I have found that in order to move from FORCING myself and my body - which is exhausting - to be in the flow of life - where I want to be;
I had to do the very thing that I had been running from all along - I had to face how I was feeling!
I had to feel the feelings that were so uncomfortable INSIDE me, that propelled me to run and keep running.
When you are so used to pushing thoughts and feelings down, not listening to them, ignoring them, all the while telling yourself that your feelings, your voice and your experiences are not right, valid or normal, not worth taking any notice of, etc., etc. etc. You begin to believe yourself and are probably used to others treating you this way too, because you have shown them how to treat you.
But your body is still sending you messages that you are not listening to,
it is shouting at you to take notice,
but all you hear is the revving of the engine that is too loud,
too everything to listen.
When you start, little by little to acknowledge how you feel, even if you don’t like the feelings, the thoughts, the sensations (and believe me I DID NOT LIKE ANY OF THE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS THAT WERE IN MY BODY), a change begins to take place.
My body was crying out for me to acknowledge what was going on, to stop ignoring myself and really see and hear who I was, not to dismiss me. To really notice, even though it was scary it was also what my body, was craving, what it was trying to communicate to me – LISTEN TO ME – stop and take notice.
To acknowledge that the racing heart was due to me forcing myself to do and be somewhere/something I didn’t want to be/do. I was overriding what my body knew to be the truth for me; I did not listen, so it got louder.
What I thought about my thoughts and feelings, that they were irrational, out of control and weak was affecting and influencing how I was living my life and how others were treating me.
Even though I thought I was strong (which I am) to keep going on regardless (FORCING), because I could, I could fight through it, I could get all that done while being so out of control in my body. I was keeping this cycle going, I was perpetuating this existence for myself.
Now, while writing this - it feels very cruel, that I did that to myself.
I am not going to beat myself up over it because I didn’t know any other way. I had tried so many traditional therapies that helped at times. But never really scratched the surface and dealt with the deep ache that was in my body.
In my mind, I was a Super Anxiety Mastermind that the most advanced Western Medicine had yet to discover. MY SUPER version of “IT”, the IT on steroids version - was untamable!
I would simply have to live with my uncomfortableness,
I was used to it by now.
Not that I didnt want to change,
but I knew anxiety so well,
I knew that if I kept my life small and within certain boundaries that I was SAFE from the massive, overwhelming Tsunamis and Cyclones of fear coursing through my body.
Or so I thought, what it did was continue to impact on my life, shrinking it and making me uncomfortably miserable. I was eeking out my days.
I now have some different options available to me, see post Part 3.
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